Searching For Purpose

Anyone who’s close to me recently knows the changes God is making in me. I have seen around me the things that we hear about in church regularly, about being looked at strangely by the world when you live passionately for Christ, even by the people close to you, who know you. I never thought I would be one of those “weird” people that many people feel a little more uncomfortable around. I see in a new way, I live for a new purpose. I wish I can show people what I feel, and what has been revealed to me, but I know that I can’t. The ones who know, are the ones who've seen, and that’s simply the only way to understand.

I was saved when I was in my mid-teens, at a youth camp, and at that very moment had a feeling inside of me that was indescribable and undeniable. That feeling slowly faded and leveled off as I re-entered the world and continued to live a worldly life, I had allowed my relationship with Christ to grow distant. I was “luke-warm”. Oh how many years it took me to realize why we’re supposed to put Jesus at the center of everything we see and do, because it’s Jesus that gives us the direction and passion that we need. I now have that feeling back, the presence of the Holy Spirit, energizing and rejuvenating… I’m not letting that distance back again.

I graduated in 2001 with a web design degree, but realizing that didn’t fulfill me, I pursued what I can best relate to my desires, to help people and to serve. Combining that with my natural desire to be an authoritative figure and leader, I pursued a career as a police officer… Years passed, test after test, timing never seeming to match up right as I just continued to press on, wondering how I could be so unlucky, so often. Jobs in government and related fields just continued to be a bland taste in my mouth, and to date never yet landing a police job has made me naturally wonder, “why”. I sit here now, not knowing if my future holds a law enforcement career or not, but more importantly realizing that I have never felt called by God to pursue a job in law enforcement. Does that mean I’m not supposed to? Or that it’s not the only thing I’m supposed to do? I’m not sure which. However, now I apply my desire to serve and lead, to that which Jesus called his first disciples and taught them to be fishers of men. When talking with my wife today, toying with the idea that God may be calling me to serve in a different way than I had previously thought, she asked me what I envisioned my life being like in a service capacity outside of law enforcement. I answered, “Waking up one day, helping fix up an old house for a humble man in need”, “waking up the next day, and for the next week building a team of other passionate people to serve the homeless”, “the next week I would be preparing a camping outing for some youth, to read and grow, and show the need for a one-on-one relationship with Christ”. I went on describing my desire for variety, and to do that which God puts on my heart at the time. After this conversation, I still couldn't imagine what “job” out there would fit this profile. What I have decided, is that I do feel God calling me to a missional life… which still seems strange saying, even though it feels very right. The question I need him to answer for me now is if I’m supposed to pursue this as my life work or in my spare time, which I am currently feeling the prior, but don’t want to make any rash decisions… I mean, I've spent 8 years trying to be a cop, and now only months away from getting placed in a federal agency, getting that badge, NOW I have this drive!!?? Of all times…

The important part about this is that I have opened my heart and mind to what His will is for me, rather than what I think I want His will for me to be… Now I look, with a new set of eyes, to see if I've been overlooking something He has been trying to show me…